My twins came into our life at 38 weeks. For a mom close to 40 years old and having it be a 3rd pregnancy, that was a pretty big deal in the twin world. Actually, the delivery was smooth. Leading up to that big day, I really had nothing less than a wonderful experience carrying those 2 cherubs. Although, literally the week before they were born I was soooo needing them to be out of me. I was miserably big (my 5’2” frame was sore and couldn’t sleep at all) and was out of clothes to wear. I wore the same thing daily…black pants and white shirt.
My doctor had been saying to me since their inception…”36 weeks is our goal.” I mean at EVERY appointment he would say to me…”36 weeks is our goal.”
So you see, as a school teacher and momprenuer, I was already equipped with the idea of reaching the goal. I mean that is exactly what we spoke about in classrooms daily.
Reach your goal! Reach your goal! Reach your goal!
At 34 weeks, I was having a bit of noticeable changes that could have ended in babies being born. I remember making a split second decision following that appointment. I was going to quick work and lay around. That would help me reach my goal of 36 weeks. And I did that. For 2 weeks I laid around and rested on the couch day after day for 14 days straight. I was elated that I was so in control of this destination. AND proud that I had made it!
I walked into that 36 week appointment beaming with pride and ecstatic with the desire to meet these little bundles. You can probably understand my complete fire in the hole moment when my doctor (whom I highly respected and trusted) says to me,
“You are doing great! Let’s see what happens and let nature take her course.”
“W…H…A…T!!!!! NOOOOOO WWAAAYYYYY!!!! I reached the goal! You said 36 weeks and I am here. I am ready!”
That sweet and gentle baby doctor smiled and shook his head at me. His reply to my extraterrestrial response was kind and gentle, “In your case, the babies are clearly not ready to come out. So we wait. We let them tell us when they are ready.”
I left his office that day feeling like a failure. I was sad and defeated. I cried a bit on the way home…partly because I had been so miserable and focused on the end result. I had been noticing ALL the miserable reasons why I had to get them out and just, “get on with this…”.
THIS is how our pain begins…in our minds…in our bodies…completely ignoring our soul’s desire to know what is right and good for us.
Walking around with that toxic banter in my mind, I was completely missing out on the fun, the vibrancy, and the energetic flow of allowing WHAT IS to be WHAT IS.
By setting those arbitrary goals and actually reaching them, I was controlling my destiny to fit MY needs, MY desires, MY comfort and MY plan. Little did I know that those 2 children coming into my life, from inception on, would teach me to find the joy in the not knowing, the uncomfortable, plans shattered, and a new joyous way of living.
The rough 2 weeks following the 36 week appointment taught me more about allowing, trusting, surrendering and finding the joy in the simple present moments.
That lesson has been a constant theme in my life:
The other day, I was listening to Rachel Hollis’ book, Girl Wash Your Face. In an interview following the audible version she shared a biblical quote that really resonated with me. Rachel’s stories are enlightening and prove there is a bigger and much more illuminated way of living life.
In the bible, the story of Esther is one of courage and a vision. Esther shows to stay in the game when our vision is such that will free the people. Her integrity to do right…not easy, not comfortable, not planned out meticulously. Esther’s story of freeing others is one of healing and the quote that Rachel Hollis shared in her interview awakened me once again to the power of healing. Healing is NOT the destination. Healing is the ongoing journey to remember who we are; it is the invitation to come home when we notice ourself lost and out of sorts.
Healing, in any form, is an act of love… for love… by love… because love is ALL that truly matters. Healing is an EVERY day habit. It is a daily ritual and a practice. Our human and ego tendencies will rise up because that is our earthly role. Transformation is the process of knowing that healing in any moment is an option.
“For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther, 4:14
What if EVERYTHING you experience…all your trials, challenges, rough seasons, and heartbreaks are to prepare you for THIS moment?
The one you’re in right here and now. This very moment in your life, in your relationships, in your career, in your home!!!
Healing is the remembering of who you are and the tremendous amount of GREATNESS within you…in this very present moment.
Transformation is the act of choosing healing as an option and ultimately choosing love as the reminder of who you are.
Do you NEED healing? Actually not really because who you are is ALWAYS love.
So…I bet you are wondering why a person chooses healing as an option? Well, we choose healing as the change agent to transformation. AND, in the very present moment, there is an awakening within us, a remembering, an eye-opening perspective to ALL that is…for such a time as this!!
The beauty and magnificent aspect of your life is that YOU are given the opportunity to a royal position. This position of royalty is your birthright. It is yours for the keeping and no one person can ever take it away from you.
“The heart of human excellence often begins to beat when you discover a pursuit that absorbs you, frees you, challenges you, or gives you a sense of meaning, joy, or passion.” – Terry Orlick
Your royal position is that of being human, being excellence, and being in pursuit of heart-felt meaning…joy…and passion. These faculties exude GREATNESS and for such a time as this…you are being given in EVERY moment the freewill to choose these royal positions.
Healing and transformation are vehicles that entrust you to learn to make the exact right decision EVERY single time the urge comes up to choose otherwise. It is always a choice. And…it is about learning to choose life in THIS way.
Learning to surrender to going further than the 36 weeks and letting nature make the decision when those two bundles were ready was the beginning of me learning to choose meaning, joy and passion. And for 13 years I have been continuing my learning as I am challenged every day to see life from meaning, joy and passion instead of struggle, frustration and control.
Oh…believe me…I have moments of the later and when they come fighting out of me…that’s when I remember my royal position. My own freewill to see it differently. For such a time as this…I have been prepped for THIS moment of learning and of loving.
As the holiday season approaches and we have more moments for our positions to be pushed, shoved, and run over (by way of long lines, snappy attitudes, traffic, and grouchy workers, etc.)…remember your royal position and for such a time as this…choose meaning, joy and passion!!
You can reach Kristi at firstname.lastname@example.org
Comments and questions are welcome.
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